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This is Not About Sliced Bread

Sliced bread. It seems like a given for any grocery store visit for me. It’s not until you get a bread maker or bake corn bread that you realize how precious sliced bread is. I’m not a good cook, so even a sheet of corn bread can be a challenge. When I cut those little squares, the corners of my mouth begin to curl up from the warm even cuts I create. When I slide the slidy thing underneath, the corners of my eyes curl down at the array of crumbs that scatter away, almost screaming in disappointment. Oh how I wish there were a loaf of sliced warm cornbread.

Don’t get me started on loaves and slicing.

Too late…

I used to have a bread maker. Our favorite bread to make was sourdough! If you’ve ever had a bread maker like mine, you might agree that the most satisfying feeling was when you turned over the metal container and had the chance to feel and hear the bread slide out in one whisp. When you examined your loaf, it was sleek and soft with the exception of the crevice where the mixer had to live briefly. This experience happened for me once. For the remainder of time that I owned the bread maker, there were some interesting sounds that came out of that metal portal: glop, plop, flurp, dut-tuh-dut-tup-farst. Although entertaining, these sounds were not due to loafy perfection.

And of course, there was no longer the scar of the crevice.  There were jagged half-loaves and three-quarter loaves. Basically, a giant chunk always wanted to hide up in the canister. It wanted to hide from the eternal bread making novice outside that would peek in and say, “What is your problem, bread?” when clearly she was the problem. Once I could get any portion of my homemade bread onto a cutting board, I made numerous attempts to slice the bread for sandwiches.

There’s no shame in having multiple sized slices of bread, nor is there any reason to be upset about the inability to cut down vertically with a bread knife. There is, however, quite a bit of discomfort when you try to feed giant bread slices to your family with the typical amount of meat, cheese, lettuce and tomato. And if you know kids like mine, you’ll find that keeping out the lettuce and tomato only makes the idea of homemade sliced bread more awkward. What I ended up with were behemoth sandwiches: Sandwiches stuffed with enough meat and cheese to compensate for the massive trapezoids of bread. And if you know any kids, most of them have little faces with little mouths. Mine dealt with the overcomings of my sliced bread with a smile by opening the sandwich and eating the innards like finger food, defeating the purpose of my home cooked slices of love.

Well, don’t try and give me tips or magic tricks on how to make the perfect corn bread or how to use a bread maker properly (like consistently following the instructions). Remember, this entry is NOT about bread. It’s not about sliced bread either. It’s about THE GREATEST THING since sliced bread, and you know how important sliced bread is…

The greatest thing since sliced bread is the invention of the Bitmoji!