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Ho Ho Horror: My life with Santa

16 Dec

Hey! I’ve just been notified that this is my 50th blog post! And to celebrate such another glorious occasion, I am going to complain about something my Mother-in-Law gave to me.

I don’t remember how long ago it was, but I know I had at least one child when my Mother-in-Law gave us something for the Christmas holiday that, to this day, I will never be able to get used to. The worst part about this “thing” is that my husband will not let a year go by without bringing it out for Christmas! The only logical explanation of why my husband would want to keep this thing around? —> Just because I wanted it gone.

This is what the “thing” is:

It’s a four-foot-tall jolly Santa Clause that not only sings and dances, but it doubles as a karaoke machine.

The Jolly Man

Now, I believe my Mother-in-Law when she said she was giving it to us because the kids would love it. They truly do. But after the encounters I have had with this thing, I would have preferred one of the following for my kids:

5 billion Legos

Old school playdough that never comes out of the carpet

A box of Sharpie markers

Cymbals

For the most part, Santa is a docile and harmless Christmas decoration. But, for the most part, I am terrified of animatronics, especially those that are humanesque. I received a large doll when I was little and the thing was as big as me. And when I saw it for the first time, I ran screaming to the bathroom and shut the door.

When I was young, I watched The Twilight Zone. There are two episodes I fear the most:

“Living Doll” – where a guy can’t get a child’s doll to shut up

“The After Hours” – where a lady gets trapped in a department store and all the mannequins come to life

OH, I just Googled it, and apparently I have a slight case of Automatonophobia.

So, let’s go back to Santa. For the most part, I am at home during the day. Although it’s bright and sunny outside, it is also pin drop quiet in the house. Sometimes my kids like to turn Santa on before they go to school and sometimes they forget to shut him off. Did I mention that Santa has a motion activation setting? Did I mention if someone walks by our house, my dog walks to the window (where Santa is standing) and sets Santa off?

There’s nothing more frightening, in the middle of the day, than sitting in a quiet house and then suddenly hearing a VERY deep voice in the house with you. It freaks me out every time. Talk about ‘Fight or Flight’, I’m usually half-way out the back door before I realize where the voice is coming from.

There’s two more things that scare me about our Santa. Let me skip forward to storage time. We keep Santa in a storage box for the year until it’s time to take him out again. And, trust me, not a year goes by that someone doesn’t remember to take him out. He’s not even in a green and red bin. What I put him in (what he fits in) is a long blue bin about 3.5 feet long. Santa can be shortened to half a Santa and he fits perfectly in this bin. Let me tell you, every year I put Santa in this blue, very coffin-like, container and place him in the dark corner of our basement. And every November I am almost certain that, if he should come alive, he will jump out of that coffin and be very angry at me for putting him there. I honestly must admit that it crosses my mind every year when I go to take him out.

Okay, here’s the last reason why Santa is my most unfavorite decoration in the world. If you stand at the sink in the kitchen at my house, turn two notches to the right and look toward the hallway. This is what you see:

He's thinking about eating my brains

This is the first time my Mother-in-Law will read about the terror she has caused me, but I do have to say that good old creepy Santa is probably still here because I’m starting to feel a little attached to him. I mean, he’s been with us for at least 5 years now. I guess you could say he’s just another Christmas Tradition to add to the list.

It's not his fault I'm a wuss

Besides, if I really wanted Santa gone, there are plenty of “accidents” that could have happened by now.

20111216-151401.jpg

Love,

Marthaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

P.S. No Mother-in-Laws were hurt in the writing of this blog. I warned her before posting and she said we can still keep Santa.

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2 responses to “Ho Ho Horror: My life with Santa

  1. Big Daddy

    December 17, 2011 at 6:09 am

    Santa Claws is comming to town he knows when you are sleeping he knows when your awake he knows if you’ve been good or bad so be good for heavens sake! You better not Scream You Better not Cry and you better not turn your back on him either………BOO! Merry Xmas Marthaaaa

     
  2. Sharon Wheeler

    December 25, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Never liked large life like dolls either and that Santa would give me the WILLY’S too : { If I had gotten one it WOULD have an accident, like falling into a dumpster!

     

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