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Why I don’t own a JigglyPuff

08 Nov

JigglyPuff is a majestic little Pokemon, in my opinion. He looks a lot like a whipped confection you just wanna take a bite of but you find out it’s kind of crunchy, which to me is a total turn off for candy. I digress already. I thought maybe a JigglyPuff was the solution to all my problems since I have a four year old who will never nap as long as his age is in the single digits. I’m sure we’ll flip ideas in the teen years. He has to catch up on sleep someday!

Sure, JigglyPuff looks cute here...

So here’s the 411 on JigglyPuff, if you don’t already have Pokemon flowing through your flatscreen at least once a day. JigglyPuff is considered a “Normal” Pokemon and a “Balloon-Type”. They are pink with green or blue eyes, about 1′ 8″ and weigh around 12 pounds. The best thing about JigglyPuff is its Sing Attack! Once this sucka starts singing… it’s sandman city! “This is Perfect!” I thought. With the holidays coming up and the possibility of snow days, I could sure use this kind of Pokemon on my kids ( 4 & 8 ) for nap times and maybe, just maybe, I might not lose my mind to the point that my New Years Resolution’s include “Drink less spiked Egg Nog”.

So, guess what? Although I’d typically have to travel to Mt. Moon in the (you guessed it) TALL GRASS FIELDS to find one, I searched the internet for 2 minutes and found a pet store that could sell me one.

The store wasn’t in a dark alley, so I knew it was legit. You can imagine how excited I was! This was the solution to all of my problems with the midday chaos hour. This was my ticket to getting to write without having to stay up past 10pm or waking up at the dreaded hour of 6am. At twelve pounds, JigglyPuff would practically be a magical cat.

The store owner was a hip dude with long sideburns and he really knew his stuff. Among the baby turtles and seahorses was one of those Pokemon that would someday evolve into a fine Tentacruel and there was also a bonafide Pachirisu! He was soooo cute! But that’s not what I was there for.

Have you seen the movie Gremlins? Because the events from this point on are severely remnant. The store owner sat down on a stool and grabbed himself a little corncob pipe. He gestured toward the corner of the room to a crate covered with a burlap sack. “It doesn’t bite,” said the store owner. That was an invitation to take off the sack, so I did. I gotta tell you, a JigglyPuff is not as cute in person. It kinda smells funky too. But so does my dog and so does the tank in which our two Gecko’s reside.

“Can I feed it after midnight?” I said as a joke. The store owner didn’t get it. I peg him as early 20’s.

“I have to warn you about this JigglyPuff,” he told me, “It has characteristics that could suggest mischevious tendencies.”

“So do my kids,” I said rolling my eyes.

“If you don’t take this seriously, the consequences could be irreversible,” he warned “Literally.”

I must have looked confused because he kept talking.

“Do you understand the power of the JigglyPuff? If you are not out of range, not only will your children take a nap, you may also be taking a nap, for hours.”

I thought this was great! I could get a few Z’s and just blame the pink puff.

And he kept talking…

“With his mischevious tendencies, he has the inclination to write on your skin with a permanent marker! Are you prepared to deal with that kind of mess?”

I thought a moment and shrugged.

“Don’t you watch the show!” he said rather frantically throwing his hands in the air. Let me tell you, this guy was intense for a young dude.

But, I was still in. That is… until he brought up one more point.

Still, he KEPT talking.

“Let an area of your yard grow really tall grass and this JigglyPuff will be easy to keep happy. Never let him near a microphone or a karaoke machine. Try not to feed it past midnight, it can suffer from terrible heartburn and it needs plenty of sleep.

Finally, I’m the only place you’ll find the perfect food for the JigglyPuff’s diet. I make it fresh each week. Here’s a frequent buyer card…”

“Wait, wait, wait,” I inturrupted, “Are you telling me I have to buy special food? Do you sell dog food or crickets or mealworms?”

He shook his head.

Needless to say, I walked out without saying a word. There was no way in hell I was going to drive there each week for this JigglyPig! I’m already going to Walmart every two weeks for the best price on dog food and the Pet store every week for 50 mealworms and 40 large crickets. I go to Whole Foods for meat and veggies for my family once a week and Sams once a month for snacks, turkey bacon and absurd amounts of string cheese. THEN, I stop at the local Panaderia/Carneceria for my fresh tortillas. The last thing I want to do is make ANOTHER stop once a week.

So, that’s why I don’t own a JigglyPuff. I sometimes wonder if I could have just fed it dog food. But I HAVE seen Gremlins and I’m not prepared to risk a Christmas masacre. Everyone would be so pissed at me. So, I’ll just keep EggNog with Rum on my grocery list this holiday season because they sell that at my Sams.

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