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This is maybe definitely about avocados

As I mentioned, bitmoji are the greatest thing since sliced bread. There’s no better way to express how you feel through texts than with a caricature of yourself carrying the ambiance of sarcasm that you might naturally show when speaking IRL (in real life). See how saavy I am? I might even be able to hold a two minute conversation with my teenager through text! 

Me: Where are you?

Teen: Upstairs

Me: IRL?

Teen: SMH

Me: Coming up, one Sandwich with Mayo and Ham! I love you, son! 🙂

Anyhow, before I can even introduce you to the realm of what #squadvocadogoals is, you have to understand that name games are of great entertainment value to my family (See The Pistachio Game). They might be the glue that keeps us from strangling each other on road trips.

There’s a new name game in town and I have cleverly named it The Avocado Game, patent pending. The rules are similar to The Pistachio Game, however, you now have a new variety of both prefixes and suffixes to tinker with.

When it came to the #squadvocadogoals, 10 names had to be transformed. Two of the names were spelled differently but both could have ended up Christacado/Kristecado so I morphed their last names instead. You’ll see…

Had my name been on the list, I’d be Marthacado. Remember that I am not responsible for foul language that results from any Name Game you decide to participate in. I highly discourage sweetening up your mom by calling her Mothercado. It may not end how you imagined. You might want to use the prefix instead: Avomama. A couple prefix morph options include:

Cassandra – Avosandra, if she doesn’t prefer Cassacado

If my name was Ricardo, I’d prefer Avocardo over Ricarcado.
Use of these Avocado names may require a specific skill set:

Preston (if you’re a magician)

Ann (if you’re a snake handler)

Stockton (if you’re a skilled fencer)

And of course be considerate of specific names:

Ava (because it’s probably a joke she’s never heard before…)

Before you can find out why The Avocado Game is soooooo important to #squadvocadogoals, go forth and practice the game.

In the mean time, I’m going to put avocados on my son’s SMH and then start writing about where the #squadvocadogoals originated.

Love, 

Marthaaaaaaaa!!!!

 
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Posted by on June 2, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

This is Not About Sliced Bread

Sliced bread. It seems like a given for any grocery store visit for me. It’s not until you get a bread maker or bake corn bread that you realize how precious sliced bread is. I’m not a good cook, so even a sheet of corn bread can be a challenge. When I cut those little squares, the corners of my mouth begin to curl up from the warm even cuts I create. When I slide the slidy thing underneath, the corners of my eyes curl down at the array of crumbs that scatter away, almost screaming in disappointment. Oh how I wish there were a loaf of sliced warm cornbread.

Don’t get me started on loaves and slicing.

Too late…

I used to have a bread maker. Our favorite bread to make was sourdough! If you’ve ever had a bread maker like mine, you might agree that the most satisfying feeling was when you turned over the metal container and had the chance to feel and hear the bread slide out in one whisp. When you examined your loaf, it was sleek and soft with the exception of the crevice where the mixer had to live briefly. This experience happened for me once. For the remainder of time that I owned the bread maker, there were some interesting sounds that came out of that metal portal: glop, plop, flurp, dut-tuh-dut-tup-farst. Although entertaining, these sounds were not due to loafy perfection.

And of course, there was no longer the scar of the crevice.  There were jagged half-loaves and three-quarter loaves. Basically, a giant chunk always wanted to hide up in the canister. It wanted to hide from the eternal bread making novice outside that would peek in and say, “What is your problem, bread?” when clearly she was the problem. Once I could get any portion of my homemade bread onto a cutting board, I made numerous attempts to slice the bread for sandwiches.

There’s no shame in having multiple sized slices of bread, nor is there any reason to be upset about the inability to cut down vertically with a bread knife. There is, however, quite a bit of discomfort when you try to feed giant bread slices to your family with the typical amount of meat, cheese, lettuce and tomato. And if you know kids like mine, you’ll find that keeping out the lettuce and tomato only makes the idea of homemade sliced bread more awkward. What I ended up with were behemoth sandwiches: Sandwiches stuffed with enough meat and cheese to compensate for the massive trapezoids of bread. And if you know any kids, most of them have little faces with little mouths. Mine dealt with the overcomings of my sliced bread with a smile by opening the sandwich and eating the innards like finger food, defeating the purpose of my home cooked slices of love.

Well, don’t try and give me tips or magic tricks on how to make the perfect corn bread or how to use a bread maker properly (like consistently following the instructions). Remember, this entry is NOT about bread. It’s not about sliced bread either. It’s about THE GREATEST THING since sliced bread, and you know how important sliced bread is…

The greatest thing since sliced bread is the invention of the Bitmoji!

StayTuned

Love,

Marthaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Tip of the Momma 2 U: Stick’em Here, Stick’em There, Stick’em Just ‘Bout Everywhere

If the people at Walmart offered my 4 year old kid a sticker one more time, I imagined him saying, “It’s like I told the lady before you and the guy before her and the guy before him… I DON’T WANT A STICKER!”

And so I dread going in there every time because I’m sure it will be the last straw for him.

But he surprised me last week when he politely said “no”, making the moment awkward once again. But for the first time he sensed that it was awkward, and politely accepted the little blue and yellow sticker after all. Of course, he just stuffed it in his pocket and I tossed it before it ended up ruining another shirt.

But my kids really do like stickers. They even have their favorites…

But, I used to dread stickers, slumping my shoulders every time they picked one from a prize basket or received one for not bolting during an immunization. I would make stickers disappear frequently and LIE to my kids that I had no idea what they did with them.

Here’s why:

You know you’ve seen this before: A car window with about 15 to 20 backsides of stickers and about 3 of those stickers partially pulled off (just to see if it’s worth the effort), and you either dread the day your kid will discover stickers or you’ve declared that that will NEVER be you. But it’s one of those battles that you really just don’t want to pick when “picking your battles”.

So, I’ve already enforced the rules stating stickers may not be stuck in the following places:

A book

The wall

In/On the car

On toys

On appliances & electronics

On furniture

In your brother’s hair (or any person’s hair for that matter)

The dog

Yeah, all the FUN places kids want to stick stickers.

So where then can I stick my stickers mommy?

On paper

On the front of your shirt

On the top of your hand

Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

But my kids do love stickers. And I love stickers! They are a form of expression and sometimes worth a laugh or a smile:

The Tip of the Momma 2 U:

So let’s go back to the “No sticking stickers on Furniture” rule.

We have a tall bookcase we purchased at Target and one side of it faces my sons room. This is the ONE piece of furniture that the kids can stick their most treasured of stickers. All stickers that are not bookcase worthy must abide by the previous rules, eventually ending up in the garbage. Deal with it.

Eventually we will run out of room on it and I just may rearrange the room to expose the other side of it and we can start filling up that side.

Now U Tip Me:

Let me know (if you allow it) where your kids stick their stickers permanently. I may need it once the bookcase is covered.

Love,

Marthaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tip of the Momma 2 U: Game of Names

There’s a new game that I must speak of! Well, it’s not that new. To be honest, I invented it. This makes it so easy to speak of.

In my family (the only people who have ever played it), we call it the Pistachio game. Apparently, I’ve been spelling Pistachio wrong in my head my whole life.

If you have travelled this summer, don’t be mad that you missed out on it. If you have yet to set off on a long adventure, this is a fantastic new game. Don’t forget about it! Although it will likely only be fun once with the same people, it may arise and even mutate at another point in time.

The Pistachio game is simple, requires zero game pieces (and therefore no purchase), and  requires some phonics knowledge and sometimes phonics disregard. The more people you know who were born in the 90’s, the more fun this can be.

It goes as so: Choose a name. Starting with someone in your presence is pretty common. Don’t pick the most easily offended until that person is obviously enjoying the game. You simply take the first syllable of a person’s name and add on to it the end of the word Pistachio. Now, say their new name with natural fluency.

For example: If my friend’s name is Bella, I announce to her that her name would now be Bel-achio. Pronounced: Bell-ash-ee-oh.

Doesn’t sound that great, does it?

However, it’s awesome if you know a kid named Jordan! Jordachio! Pronounced: Jor-dash-ee-oh!

Some names have multiple options. If my dog’s name is Eli (which it is), I can choose to call him Eliachio or Eachio. Pronounced: Ee-ly-ash-ee-oh or Ee-ash-ee-oh.

Don’t be silly and say that it should be pronounced Each-ee-oh. That’s how mutations of the game get started. Then, if it’s not funny, blame yourself.

Once you have gone through everyone present, start to think of people you know and love and morph their names! Once you run out of all the people you know and love, think of all the people who you’d love to call by their Pistachio names to their face. Mr. Bossachio! (Note: adding formal titles before Pistachio names is A- o.k.!)

Once you’ve gone through everyone you know. Start thinking of names of people you wish you knew.

Examples:

I’ve yet to meet someone named Susan. I would call her Susachio. Pronounced: Sooz-ash-ee-oh.

or What if we knew a guy named Buster? He would certainly let us call him Bustachio! Pronounced: Bust-ash-ee-oh.

or How about Mr. D? We would call him Mr. Dachio! Pronounced: Miss-tur-dash-ee-oh. If you said Miss-TURD-ash-ee-oh, you may be entering a mutation game. Watch it!

This is a super fun game! It has the potential to provide the first half hour of fun on your cross country trip.

Share your experiences with me if you can name names! Tell me if “Pistachio” is the best word to morph with.

Love,

Marthaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for mutations of the game “The Pistachio Game” or discoveries of names added to Pistachio that result in curse words.

 
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Posted by on July 23, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Stranger Things Have Happened All The Time

I got a job! You can tell because I stopped writing. If you know me, you know that I love to talk and/or write. I’m finally a teacher and, in this profession, it’s like being a stand up comedian when ever you feel the whimsy. I can’t get into the politics of teaching (I just ate lunch), but I will tell you that it is the most entertaining job I’ve ever had. I thought my own kids were funny by DNA. I even used to say “You’re welcome” when I thought they knocked it out of the park.

It turns out, kids are just hilarious. I watch my youngest, now 7, at karate and I hope to cheese and rice that no one thinks I’m laughing at their kids. Sometimes I get tears in my eyes and pretend I’m crying with pride rather than laughing at a whole bunch of kids just being kids. That’s how it should be.

Pause the digression… back to catching up.

I got a job. I love my job. We have lost our dear Jake (the old man black lab) and our two awesome geckos in the years that have passed. We now have an Australian Cattle Dog and a Cattle Dog/Border Collie Mix. Both of them are blue. Yes, I cannot put my black slacks on until I walk out the door to go to work.

The kids are growing as fast as I can’t stand. The older one is a Tweenager and the youngest is almost 8. I deal with a middle schooler. I deal with my husband dealing with a middle schooler. I also deal with an 8 year old dealing with a middle schooler. I deal with a middle schooler dealing with being a middle schooler.

Somehow, after 14 password history guesses, I got into my blog account and now I feel the whimsy to write. This could be fun. I might find the time. Blord knows I still have just as many insane moments to write about now as I have in the past. The new school year is getting ready to start and I might just find the time to write a little diddy now and then.

It’s like I said, “Stranger Things Have Made Breakfast on Tuesday Dog Park”.

Love,

Marthaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 
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Posted by on July 22, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tip of the Momma 2 U: Tired of Flash Cards?

I don’t know how some people do it, how they study for a test with flash cards. Kudos to those who can.

I am not one of those people. And I realize that my child is semi-responsive to that method of learning.

In my son’s third grade class they are starting to learn multiplication facts. Starting soon, those who miss two or less on their test each week will receive a pop. A little drink I still like to refer to as Soda.

My son will just DIE if he doesn’t get a Soda each week. At least that’s how he acts about it. But I’m happy to see that he’s motivated. He doesn’t get to drink soda at home and very rarely at restaurants, so I have no gripes about it, as long as he doesn’t have the opportunity to down it just before I pick him up from school.

So, back to the flash cards. Years ago, before my child was even a twinkle in my eye, I knew that a game of Jenga existed in which the blocks were modified with dares and tasks written on each block for a drinking game. Tsk, tsk, and shame on people for taking such an innocent game and turning it into a beverage consumption game. Heh.

Anyhow, taking that concept (which my children will never hear of… from me) I came up with a fun way to go over the multiplication facts and not lose my mind with the redundancy of flipping cards while my kid answers back dryly and then we shuffle and do it for four more minutes. By the way, bless his teacher’s heart for at least providing the flash cards for us. If I had to make them, I might cry.

Alright, enough whining from me. The bottom line is that, there are adults and children who do not learn well from flash cards.

So here’s my Tip of the Momma 2 U: Any brand of this tower game can be purchased and used as a teaching tool. Our particular tower was for Multiplication facts. Here’s how it works:

Take one tower containing 48 blocks. Write a multiplication question on each of the two widest sides of each block with a sharpie pen. I was able to write all facts of 1’s through 9’s multiplying by 1 – 10. With the remaining blank spots I wrote things such as “Count by 3’s to 30” or “0 X any number” (in which the child would reply “equals zero”).

Have a print up of the Multiplication Facts Table nearby in case there’s a discrepancy about the answer and also so your child can easily test him/herself.

You can play this game like a typical game of Jenga where you try not to topple the tower. My son decided to construct another tower with his correctly answered blocks.

Another idea: Place them in a bag or basket and randomly pick them out to answer.

If you have littler ones who are learning to read or spell, try one of these:

Write common sight word on the blocks

Write tasks such as “Say a word that starts with C” and put the whole alphabet in the game

That’s not all, right? Give me some more ideas!

Love,

Marthaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

A Classic Movie Night: I Still Have Stars In My Eyes

My son’s birthday is in December. This last year he turned 9. If there’s one thing I’ve felt since becoming a parent and and having left the 365 days of sun in California for more seasonal states, it’s that I might never host an outside birthday party for this child.

That’s alright, our other kid has his birthday in the other extreme: August. We usually let our December boy help out with the plans so he can get the best of both worlds.

Having his birthday parties in the past have been hit and miss. There were times where many had to cancel at the last minute due to contagious illness or weather conditions. So I’ve adapted and learned to watch the weather, invite many, and have a back up plan.

This post is not about the hardships of a winter birthday. It’s about STARS (insert mystically music).

This last December, I decided to host a “Classic Movie Night” themed birthday party. My son loved it! I didn’t have to think of any games (which I’m really bad at planning) and we got a chance to invite our grown-up neighbors and get to know them while the kids watched the movie.


This movie night had EVERYTHING. There was crying, shrieking, laughter, spilling, munching and lots of socializing.

We made nifty invitations in the fashion of a movie event gala. I sort of wanted it to have an Oscar Party feel about it. Being that it was a Classic Movie Night for 3 to 12 year olds, we offered these three choices for a feature presentation:

  • A Christmas Story
  • Home Alone
  • Jurassic Park

I don’t know how it happened but, in the midst of a Christmas season, “Jurassic Park” won.

Then it was time to get the party gear…

We chose the colors of Black, Gold, and Red for balloons, plates and platters.

To give it that “Red Carpet” feel we bought, well, a Red Carpet.

And what is a movie theater without a Concession Stand?

I printed up voucher tickets for the kids to turn in for their share of Popcorn (served in popcornesque boxes) and other treats.


My son’s favorite snack to hand out is a little diddy I found in a Rachel Ray magazine year’s ago. They are sushi pieces consisting of the following ingredients:

Fruit Roll Ups (sugar)

Rice Krispies Square Mix (sugar)

&

Twizzlers (more sugar)

Now you know why I came up with vouchers: Management of Sugar

And of course you gotta have chopsticks for those.

We set up the living room as best we could to contain 10 kids as they watched the movie, chatted it up, and shuffled back and forth for goodies.

So why is this post about STARS???

Well, to enhance the magical, glittery feeling of going to a premiere of a classic movie, I purchased about a million little shiny gold and black STARS! And I sprinkled them all over the red carpet in our wood floored foyer for easy clean up later.

I can still remember what they look like… And that’s because I’m still finding them. EVERYWHERE.

On my socks

On my butt

In the couch


On the dog

On the kids

In the shower

In the Washing Machine

In the Dishwasher

In my Purse??

Upstairs

Downstairs

Under the Rug

In the Basement

Outside

In the Vaccuum (though I’ve emptied it numerous times since then)


So the moral of the story is, Do Not sprinkle cute little shiny stars all over your foyer unless you are prepared to be reminded that you did this for years to come.

It doesn’t bother me one bit, actually. It’s a pleasant reminder of the great time we had. Luckily we don’t have any babies, dogs or cats who like to nibble on the such.

Hey, there’s a party game we can play in August: Find the STARS.


Love,

Marthaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I GOTTA KNOW:

What are you finding here and there from long ago? Share it in a comment below!